Part I - SEARCHING
I had always been a somewhat spiritual person. Moments of faith in my life were tail-gaited by the 'what if' types of questions in various layers, and sheer simplicity of what WAS in the grand subject of Divinity. In waves, I struggled with believing that there WAS more to a mortal life, and that whatever or whoever God is or was, is going to be misunderstood by the masses, which it always had been. Even in my youth, it was the one solid spiritual thing I believed that. That in itself, did not seem to be enough when it came to social politics in a northern California high school, being a non-practicing Catholic by culture, but struggling to not drown in the black and white ocean of Southern Baptism and other types of non-denominational Christianity.
Later, in college, I reached by first steps of my personal salvation -and I don't mean in the "I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior" kind of way. As an undergraduate at Loyola Marymount University, I was surrounded by Jesuit priests. They had this approachable and grounded way of living that brought an unknown sense of familiarity to my heart on the day to day that left me feeling hopeful in regards to the Catholic Church. Yes, there were Catholic students (practicing and non-practicing), Jewish students, atheist and agnostic, Buddhist, etc and so on. Everyone was loved and welcomed by staff, both religious and non. The students, of the ones I interacted with, were passionate about leaving their mark on the world in some way during and after school. The Spiritual Life Ministries on Campus had a beautiful message that became clear to me in a Philosophy of Human Race course. The professor, this stout, older man with a beautiful and cleanly kept beard and round metal framed glasses and wearing a tan safari vest, who's name, to this day begets me. The opinion of the grand majority the students he seemed pompous and arrogant...but to me, he was warm and loving, like Santa Claus parading as a normal human being.
Within the first 2 or 3 lecture series of this course, he shared, "[LMU] carries on in the pursuit of following the intent of St. Ignatius of Loyola: to be more like God my serving those below them. You know, for thousands of years, human beings always looked toward 'ascending' in some way, which would make them closer to the Divine. I'd like you to consider this, God, does not look above himself, ethereally, but rather, around and below him. He serves His own Divinity by creation, and healing, and listening to our prayers, creating miracles, and smiting. He also sent His son down to us. So, to be more like God, we must go below ourselves and serve. I don't mean go to those who are not as good as us, but go down and do the best we can to help those who need our help. As a University, this school is teaching you to be able to be the best functioning members of society that you can be. I can only imagine that you becoming so knowledgeable about some subject, or good at some trade enough to teach it, and help others create and teach themselves is one of the God-liest things you can do."
Something that I have yet mentioned, the Philosophy and Theology departments worked together very closely. Students who majored in either subject, were required to have a double major with the other. Requiring those students, no matter their stance or belief system, to have the opportunity and gift of creating an open mind and/or further helping them strengthen how they viewed the world and its history. Another interesting fact, Loyola Marymount University was the place where the linguistics and text was researched and developed for the subtitles and script for Mel Gibson's film, The Passion of the Christ", as well as the first screening of the film prior to release to the masses. But, I digress.
Later on that same academic year, I took a "Religions of the World" course. This professor, who I also adored, often spoke with his hands together as if he was subconsciously greeting all his lessons to us with "namaste". He had a grand and goofy hair style that reminded me of a softer Einstein look. Very deliberate and soft inflections in his voice, very gentle and loving....and always wore a bracelet of prayer beads from some Eastern country. In this course, I was partnered up with two girls, who, for a short time, I was very close friends with: a conservative, yet feminine and confident girl named Kathleen, who always wore her hair in a low pony tail and a wooden berret with a horse on it; and another gal nicknamed 'Lucy', who was an Americanized emigrant from Kazakhstan. She had a mysterious beauty about her that reminded me of a majestic cat from ancient Egyptian art -and happened to have NEVER known the concept of religion until coming to the United States at 10 years old. She was an interesting case to the class and the professor.
The three of us, together: an ethereal agnostic dancer (me), a Catholic from the bay area, and someone with a fresh slate of no formal faith -bonded over our unforgettable trip to find Lake Shrine on West Sunset blvd. This place was like a religion heaven for me. The garden alone, with a man-made lake, honored the 5 major religions. The sermon including chanting "OHM" as a community, AND singing "Valley of the Lilies". It was all inclusive, which spoke to me greatly. I felt more at home in a religious community than I ever had, to this day. This was back in 2002, I might mention. At their gift shop I purchased a large wind chime that was a giant 'ohm' with Egyptian camel bells all over it. It was very precious to me for a very long time and often was the the first thing I noticed when I walked into my apartment every day.
As far as spiritual experiences are concerned, I experienced a friend having a spiritual experience. While out swing dancing, and hanging out with a dear friend, Ricardo, he intuitively 'saw' my grandmother standing next to me. It was the first time I had ever considered spiritual visitations.
I began to ask him millions of questions. He was, for lack of better terms, a 'new age' believer and healer. Many times, he 'tuned in' for me to answer many of life's hard questions that I wanted God to answer for me. Like, "which major should I stick with" and other silly things of that nature.
Part II - The Panic and the Offering
A few years later, now living in Northern California and moved back into my childhood bedroom, I had been dating man for a brief time, who in the end, would end up being my 6 year 'lesson'. I was crazy in love with him, for reasons that now, don't have a place in my essence, and are hard to remember. We always had fun together, though. Amongst his many qualities, he grew up Christian. His parents were very involved Church and their bible study groups, even to this day, I suppose. He, however, veered away from the practice of Christianity, but for a long time, could not shake the basic foundations that he was brought up to believe in, via traditional guilt, fear, and some minor brain washing. We broke up many times through the course of that relationship. The first time we broke up, he left me with the drunken argument that "it hurts to much to be with you because I know one day, when we both die, I will go to heaven and won't find you there." He said this in response to my stating I didn't know how to believe in hell -that it was a foreign concept to me, as it was something never broached in my upbringing, culturally. When he sliced me with his words, my very foundation was shaken to the core. This did something VERY deep to me that I had never experienced before.
I went to bed devastated for a variety of reasons. I prayed hard to God. I said "God, I really don't know if you exist or not. I really want you to exist. If you are hearing me, please help me. I don't know what I believe. I don't know what is truth. Please, help cut the bullshit in my sphere of influence and guide me to the right information. I'm tired of being punished just because my instincts tell me one thing and other people who "study" you say another. I feel like EVERYONE misunderstands you, but me. Help." I had no premise for the belief that I understood or misunderstood God, by the way.
Now, the insane part that should have had me locked away in the looney bin.
Around 5 am, I watched my clock that was beside my bed. The Large hand was spinning out of control. But, at the same time, the seconds hand was taking what felt like minutes to tic and tok. In the diagonal corner of my room, there was an orange retro chair. I sensed/saw a figure in a sort of grayish/tan robe with a hood sitting there. I could never see his face, but yet, we looked into each other and communicated telepathically. I experienced dual realities at the same time! This was insane, and I feel very vulnerable sharing this story, even now: I was paralyzed and immovable and my body felt as though it were burning and at the same time I was twitching and seizing with my head jolting in all directions. The first and only time in my life, I felt petrified for my very soul. This figure and I interacted for either seconds or hours, I could not tell. After what felt like years of silence, he said to me in my head "If God were to come to you in a familiar form, and give you the gift of golden, perfect truth in the form of a beautiful white ball on a silver platter as nothing but a gift, what would you do?" At that moment, either I was not ready to understand the question, for if I did, would I would have responded differently...OR the figure was trying to show me there is a truth and gave me the choice of exposure to it at this time in my life and KNEW I was not ready for it, but WAS ready to experience a mere glimpse. Quickly, without much thinking, I thought the figure meant Christianity: in its most strict and traditional form. I said "I would say to God, thank you, I appreciate this gift, but it is not my truth to hold. I honor you and me enough to not follow blindly. Is that wrong?" The figure responded, with, what felt like warmth and comfort, "no, that is perfect." As soon as that statement was finished, it was 7:30 in the morning, and I awoke in a hysterical panic attack. It took a few hours to calm myself.
This happened 7 years ago. When I grew the courage to share this story with very close friends who, in my definition, were spiritual...I was matched with a blank expression and no compassion or advice. I kind of thought it was Jesus Christ. Someone else suggested it was an angel. Some other confidant suggested it was a demon. I was more confused than ever, so I tried to never think of this experience again. Since then, I had a couple of emotional encounters with what I believed was my grandmother, Alma's spirit, and nothing more. There, I stopped searching.
Part III -The slap on the Head
A year and a half ago, I had moved out of my mother and father's house. It was October of 2011 and for years we were having a very tumultuous time in our relationship. It got worse and worse and truly, was never over anything truly serious. One day, I snapped. I hastily, and hardly without words packed up and left for the sanctuary of a friend's home in South Sacramento. After that Christmas, I was blessed with a new job with the state, as an independent contractor working from home. All I needed was my computer. Finally! My life was going to be put back together and I was going to be ok! The day I came home from my first day of training, I walked into the house to discover the house had been robbed of everything of value: not only most of my roommates most valuable belongings, but two computers that I owned, my camera, silver, gold, stones (I made jewelry for extra income), some tools, food, clothes, some of my purses and all of my personal jewelry. --Even my grandmother's rings that my mother entrusted me with. Even next month's rent was found and stolen, which I had hidden under my cat's litter box.
After a stressful evening of police, investigators, and a sleepless and congested night at my boyfriend's house, I called my new job to tell them I might need another day or two and explained the situation. They were compassionate until I mentioned my computer was also stolen, and they said my contract will be disintegrated since I had no reliable computer. I lost all my serious belongings and my job in less than 24 hours. A little over a week later, I went into town to meet a girlfriend for drinks and dancing, but was T-boned at an intersection with no stop sign and two BMW's going 40+ mph on the road before they hit me. My car was totaled and the police deemed it my fault on top of that.
For the next month I was stressed and devastated, for a variety of reasons -but mostly because I did not know what to do. Like a naked baby in blinding white light in a cold room hearing too many echoing sounds. I even lost my voice and could not speak much for 3 weeks. I cried every day, I was edgy and jumpy, and I was starting to retreat into my own self and feel more and more alone. Worst of all I felt helpless, incapable, even pathetic with no one to turn to. I was about to internally combust from being a hair away from a panic attack at every moment. I needed to take care of so much. I needed to find a job, find a new place to live, no computer, no phone, no money, and no vehicle and stupidly believing that I could not confide in my family for assistance as we were still not doing well in our relationship. Then, the house was robbed a second time.
A few days after, I took a hot shower to spend some time with myself. I had not thought about God, or faith, or spirits, or prayer, or anything for a few years at this point. In fact, I was an "anti-Christian" for bitter reasons. Anything that sounded "Christian" made me roll my eyes in disgust. In the shower, I crouched into a little ball and leaned against the cold tiled wall, experiencing both its sharp cold and the intense heat of the water -so hot, I thought it might make my skin peel off my body, but I didn't care. I intended to tune out the pain and just shut down. Without thinking, I looked up and said "God, I can't handle anymore. I can't do this alone, please take all of this from me". I could have slapped myself for sounding SO preachy.
Instantly, I felt better. Emotionally, I didn't seem to feel the suffering I did moments ago, days ago, or weeks ago. A vivid thought came to me as I dried off: I was going to go back to what I know. For the next few weeks I plugged away at getting back into my old career in massage therapy. I did it for years in Napa and got tired of the "pompous hippy shit" that I was surrounded by that, at the time, I did not understand or connect to. I took some home-study classes from a school in LA, got the credits I needed to get my state certification, got insured, and went on various interviews. I was offered a job in Folsom, and not only was offered full time work with 4-5 clients a day to see, but coincidentally my parents invited me to return home to get back on my feet. They loaned me the family van for the time being, and the dust began to settle in my life. I was grateful to the universe and God and whoever was answering my prayers and helping me find emotional security and actually enjoying my new chapter in life.
I was watching "The Secret" DVD every day, and was practicing a 30 day challenge to bring new things into my life. Things were looking up in all aspects of my life because I began to change my attitude. Every morning I had an hour drive that I thought about all the wonderful things I had and was going to have and sang at the top of my lungs. On the hour drive home every day I was grateful to have a job, and grateful to have a family to come home to.
A few months into working there, a new massage therapist was hired, named Sharon, who would become my mentor, one of my dearest friends, my healer, my second mother at times, and my colleague. A tall woman with full blonde, curly hair, glasses, and an amazing laugh, to boot. One afternoon, in passing, I invited her to have lunch with me before we went back to work. We spoke of the massage world and the bodywork industry, etc. One of the subjects we touched on was the spiritual side of our career, which I had never touched on before.
As we walked back to our workplace, she shared with me that she is a spiritual healer. She began to share with me how it worked and what not and I shared a few minor experiences and shared with her my interest and especially how I never quite found a place or other people to share that with. Once inside, we sat in an empty massage room and shared more stories. At one point she interrupted me and shared with me that my grandmother, Alma, was there with us. I began to sob. I missed her so much, even though I didn't actually remember her. And it had been many months since I thought of her. Sharon comforted me with a beautiful maternal hug and began to teach me things about the spiritual world that we, apparently live in, even if we can't see it. I was in awe and my insides began to stir with hope and anticipation.
The next thing she said, stunned me. She took my hands and looked into my eyes with a neutral, kind expression and said to me: "In this life, you are going to reach mastery. This will be your last life on earth, as you will have learned everything your spirit was sent here to learn, unless you wanted to come back." I said, "Sharon, what does that mean? Does that mean, I am supposed to be psychic, or a healer, or whatever?" She confirmed, "Honey, that means all of it. It means you ARE a healer. You're a master. By the time you die, you will have affected a lot of souls and helped a lot of spirits and a lot of people. You just need to be opened up and it will all start to happen like a domino effect."
For days I digested on her words -picking apart each inflection I could remember in her voice and reliving it over and over again. This was all surreal to me, yet, the things I'd always needed to hear, and just didn't know it.
Some weeks later, I was having a gut feeling that something wasn't right with a family member of mine. Someone I haven't seen in at least 15 years who is not part of the family any more. I feared for her life. I confided in Sharon and she wrote down for me a prayer involving the archangels and God, and the gold bowl of healing, etc and so on and so forth. It was very detailed and it involved a lot of imagery. I waited a few more weeks to, I guess, collect the energy and calmness I would need to perform this prayer.
One night, it felt right. I sat on my bed with my back against the wall. I opened up my hands and began to feel for the first time, what I like to call the "God chills". They were chills without heat or cold that started at my left wrist and flew up my arm, across my back, and down the other arm. I did not think much about it, but I instinctively and intuitively called the spirit of my aunt to sit in front of me, and watched it and noticed the time it took for it to happen, moment by moment. My imagination took control of what I experienced and I saw/felt a figure opening the door and crawling onto the bed, like a small pet and sitting at the other end, facing me. For half an hour I chanted over and over each line of the prayer -in different ways, with different points of intensity and intention. Once I felt finished, I turned off the light and went to sleep.
Earlier that day, I had purchased a cheap magazine box on clearance at Pier 1. I had put a magazine, a pen, and a notebook in it and it was placed by my bed, hidden with my comforter. The morning after my prayer, I awoke, stretched, and reached down into the box for the pen to log my blood pressure. The first thing I touched was a massage tool that I hadn't seen in 6 years. In fact, I threw it away in Los Angeles before I moved home to Northern California. It was called a "thumb saver" -they still sell them at massage supply websites. When I grabbed it, I got the "God chills" again. I began to have a panic attack and called Sharon. It was my day off, but she was at work. I paced the house flipping out over the fact that this thing manifested out of NO WHERE. I asked every member of my household if they had seen it before and none of them recognized it, much less placed it in the box. Finally, Sharon returned my call between clients and listened to me chatter away at my experience. She responded with "I just got confirmation from Spirit that Archangel Michael left it there for you to give you confidence. To let you know that your prayers have power and you have begun healing your aunt and let you know to relax and have faith."
That was the beginning of my new life as a healer. From then on, I spent hours, days, weeks, and months picking Sharon's brain, reading books, praying, meditating, etc. I began to have faith that not only did God exist for sure, but so did Jesus Christ (we call him Jesua), but Buddha, Ghandi, and spirit guides from this life and previous lives, etc were ascended Grand Masters that are here to help us through all aspects of our life when we ask for them. Finally, the things that I instinctively always sort of, believed, or wondered about were becoming as real to me as an ice cream cone or my my mother's love.
This could not have come at a better time. The man I was with for 6 years, who I was planning to marry left me, out of the blue -which was not completely abnormal. Instead of grief and devastation, I was merely sad, but not so much gave up, as just chose to accept the reality and to close that door forever. A year later I prayed to God, "Great Spirit, I have faith that you have my greatest good at heart. Please remove the blinders from my eyes and the muffs off my ears so that the reasons why can be clearer to me. I am very grateful for everything I have. I know that the next man you send me will be amazing. He will either be the one, or very close to it. If not him, then the next one will be. Either way, I'm ready to meet the best love of my life, anytime you are ready to throw him my way." 2 weeks later, I met Matthew.
I was at a friends' house that evening, and decided to be pro-active. I already prayed to God and praised gratitude to the universe, but I realized I needed to take control and manifest someone. I created a list of everything I needed, wanted, and and would like in my next lover -in three categories. I must be ridiculously thorough or powerful because not two weeks later, I had this amazing man who made me laugh constantly and made me feel like a beautiful woman, plus fulfilled all those things that I had asked in my list.
Matthew is still currently my great love. I thought I was ready for him when we met, but I drove him nuts, probably, because I tried to get rid of him four times, but his persistence opened the door for me to learn his other attributes and he healed me too. He, in turn, I just now realized, is also one of my healers in this life. He came WAY quicker than I anticipated, whether he was brought to me or I manifested our meeting, or what. I hope it remains that way, but if it doesn't, I have faith, regardless, it will be for both our greater good. He supports and pushes me and my healing ways, and I share with him my spiritual experience that is life day to day. Even if he doesn't quite grasp what I share with him, he tries, and takes me seriously. As a woman in love with a great man, you can't ask for much more.
I am currently still actively reaching out to receiving healing -to pull back the layers and work through each one in my life...and even to heal soul imprints from past lives. I want to know and see everything the ascended masters can teach me. "Put me in Heaven University, please!" I would like to shout to the universe. I am opening up gradually yet very quickly and am becoming less and less afraid of my intuitive and psychic abilities, and my curiosity keeps me alert. These days, whether I search for it or not I can see God's large pink hands and feel Archangel Michael with me often. I have even met the Goddess twice and Archangel Raphael and Ghandi once each. I even sent a couple of spirits to the light to find peace. I came out of the spiritual closet and even began offering spiritual healing at my massage practice, with great results from my clients. The look of gratitude, love, and hope on their faces gives me the sense of purpose I had wanted from God all those years ago, even when I didn't know that is what I wanted.
What I learned was is to have faith in faith alone. Even if you can't see it or feel it or see proof of it yet, just believing in it, and in believing in you can make amazing things happen, as we are all a part of the great "I Am" which is what God is also made of -and He and the other Ascended Masters can make amazing things known to you, if you want to know it. This, has made me the person I can be for the other people I love, and even just the people I meet. You will never live your life the same. With all the love and gratitude in my heart, I promise you that.
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